Jesus Take The Wheel

I often times hear parents say “I told him/her not to do that” or “I have always told my child that they need to do better and be better” or “I told them that their behavior was unacceptable” or my favorite “They know should know better.”

What that actually equates to is giving instruction without guidance. We can talk to our children about what not to do until we are blue in the face but we have to guide them towards the desired behavior. That takes more work and much more of a connection with your child than a drill sergeant and recruit type relationship. Would you tell your teenager to go drive the car without any lessons or instruction? Of course not, right? Well then why would you be content with giving them life “instruction” with no “guidance,” yet have the expectation that they will have the tools to navigate in this complex world. Well what do you suggest Mrs. T? I’m glad you asked. Here are four solid tools you can use to guide your child along with your instruction and it involves a four letter word. T.A.L.K.

T – Take time to create opportunities to talk to your child. This is intentional and must be done in a way that highlights your child’s interests. For example, if your child is interested in reading and really likes books then find a book you both can read with a lesson you want your child to learn. Both of you read the book and the pick different points of discussion to talk about. If your child likes movies, create a movie night where you can watch a movie with a meaning that can be later discussed following the movie. If your child likes to eat (and what child doesn’t, right?) use a dinner date as an opportunity to have casual non probing discussions with your child about what is going on in their lives. Hint: Don’t break out a list of 20 questions, just be prepared to listen without reacting even to things that make you uncomfortable (such as, I think Bobby likes me…). You can choose a later time or another opportunity to have the discussion related to what you initially learn but if you overreact, it is likely your child will learn not to trust you with their intimate thoughts and concerns and this is right where you don’t want to be. If you go crazy at “Bobby likes me.” You can rest assured that you won’t get this question: “Bobby asked me to make out with him but I am not sure what to do.” Now that’s a question you want to be asked and you want to answer but you have to create the bridge to get there.

A – Acknowledge Your child’s strengths and accomplishments. Affirm them often. Now what does have to do with guidance? This builds confidence not only in themselves but in you. This strengthens your relationship with your child, therefore, they are more like to trust your guidance than if you only pointed out their weaknesses. If you only point out what they have to work on or what they didn’t accomplish then they are not likely to believe you have any real faith in them so when advice is given (it won’t likely be solicited), your child is not likely to trust you. This is challenging especially for those of us who come from the school of break you down so you can be built up. In this method of parenting, the first thing the parent points out is the child’s faults in order to get them to improve. So that parent might be likely to make comments like, “Are you sure you want to wear that shirt?”, “That outfit looks bad on you, you should change”, “I see you got a 90 on your exam but you can do better”, “Your hair looks bad you need to comb it over.” Now of course this parent wants their child to present their best selves to the world but they are going about it the wrong way. This type of interaction runs the risk of damaging a child’s self-esteem and therefore making them vulnerable to “guidance” from people who affirm them but may not have their best interest at heart (insert teenage boy who is bad news for your daughter but whom she loves cause he thinks she’s pretty). So instead try to affirm and acknowledge your child strengths with more positive statements such as: “A 90% is GREAT and I know that next time you can do even better because you are just that smart!”, or “I like that outfit but you know that new shirt you have hanging up I think that would be even cuter” or “Your hair looks really good when you wear it like this, it’s so pretty like that.” These examples are extremely static but they go to the point that as parents we should try to reform negative speak with a positive overturn. It will help strengthen trust between us and our children as well as improve their confidence and self-esteem.

L – Listen to your children. When they jump in the car after school and start rambling about their day. Listen. When they want to tell you about all the insignificant details of their day. Listen. What are you listening for? You are listening for vital clues as to what challenges they are having to deal with on a daily basis. You are listening for how they deal with conflict and how you may support them in developing stronger skills. You are listening for what type of atmosphere your child is surrounded by in school and whether you need to be more involved if there is a problem. You are listening for all the drama that is occurring in their lives because you are building a bridge. My kids are always amazed when I can remember who was fighting with who and who had a crush on who at their school. It may seem insignificant to us parents but it is their world and it means the world to them if you show interest.  If you listen well, the talking we mentioned earlier becomes a bit easier. So I cannot say often enough, listen to your children so that you may be armed with information necessary to guide them successfully.

K – Know who your child’s friends are. This is VITALLY important. This can also be quite controversial. My daughter had an experience with a child in elementary whom she befriended early on after moving to a new school. I had concerns immediately but allowed her to have play dates with this child. About halfway through the school year my daughter came to me and shared with me that this child had begun bullying her relentlessly. She was spreading nasty rumors and even went so far as to steal my child’s diary and share with her peers at school. The Principal became involved and I contacted this young lady’s mother who was in complete denial about her child. I let her know that their friendship was over and her child was to stay away from my child and I was not above getting law enforcement involved. Things died down and my daughter and I were able to talk about this experience. Whenever there is a major occurrence in my children’s lives I always start with the question, “What was the lesson you learned from this?” This always allows for reflection and true introspection into how things could have been handled differently. She shared with me that I had been right to be concerned early on based on how this child performed in school and how involved her mother was in her life. This young girl was not supervised at home regularly and  performed poorly in school. She had behavior problems and even my daughter’s teacher expressed concern about their friendship. I had to explain to my daughter that iron sharpens iron and she needs to be careful whom she surrounds herself with. If she wants good grades and to be a good student, then those are the types of friends she needs to surround herself with. If she is not good in a subject then she needs to get to know the person in class who is getting an A+. I am still helping her understand this concept and now that she is in High School she is learning the importance of her “inner circle” and how it will help her to soar to greater heights. If you don’t know who your child is befriending early on it will be hard for you to help them navigate friendships later on, so start early. It is okay to be discriminatory when it comes to friendships. Your child can be nice and cordial and even offer help to students who may not be on their level but that should not turn into something where you child is being brought down by another child. It may sound harsh but your priority as a parent is to your child so you have to make decisions based on your child’s best interest.

I think you have been given enough food for thought in order really begin the process of guiding your child towards success. Instruction plus guidance will ensure that your child isn’t jumping behind the wheel of life’s car singing “Jesus Take the Wheel” cause Lord in Heaven knows that without proper and consistent guidance your child will be on a crash course of disaster.

Guide on folks….

Mrs. T

Do not negotiate with terrorists

So today I witnessed a parent negotiating a bag of chips with her child. He appeared to be about 3-4 years old. Children at that age can terrorize parents with their constant whining and wanting for things they can’t or shouldn’t have. This particular parent said no but this little guy was having none of that. He used his Jedi toddler tantrum trips on her and wore her down. He walked away with not one but four bags of chips. As I witnessed this exchange I wished I could have told her that as parents WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS.

See children know how and when to test us and we as parents must remain strong and stand our ground. Yes it’s easier to just give in and stop the whining but in doing so you are handing over parental control to your child. That type of pattern will translate into an uncontrollable child who will not respect your parental authority because you given in after tantrums. Teenage tantrums come in the form of running away, out of control behavior at school, risky behaviors, etc.

What that parent should have said is no and kept it moving. You have got to develop the skill where you don’t hear that child begging for those chips. And if they continue you get on their level (kneel down – don’t do what I once did and throw an adult tantrum which worked but was quite over the top), let them know under no circumstances are you changing your mind and that’s it. But whatever you do DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS (insert smile). This child was apparently used to using that technique to get his way and get his way he did.

When my now 13 year old daughter was about 2 years old she decided to throw a tantrum in the grocery store (why do kids always pick the grocery store to lose their mind?). I responded by falling out next to her and kicking my legs while yelling “Why are you doing this to me!” at the top of my lungs. She looked at me like I was crazy and told me I shouldn’t be doing that. I responded to her that neither should she and if she doesn’t stop neither would I. That was the last time she through a tantrum. I don’t suggest anyone go to my extreme but the point is children test limits because they need boundaries. So you have to teach them at an early age that there are limits and boundaries and they will need to control themselves even when they are disappointed. It starts with small things like chips and ends with bigger things like attempted suicide following a bad breakup with a boyfriend or girlfriend. I know I drew a sharp contrast however the point is you either raise a good centered responsible child or the world will have to deal with an out of control adult. Now is that fair?

Now go forth and remember: DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS.

Mrs. T

Why is talking to your children important?

I come in contact with many parents who “think” they talk to their children but in reality they don’t. They give instructions and tell their children what not to do but they don’t have meaningful discussions with their children.

What does that even mean? Meaningful discussions. It means having discussions that allow you to speak to your child but more importantly allows you an opportunity to listen. You must be strategic in how you broker these interactions because most kids and especially teenagers are not just going to want to talk about their lives in detail (unless you have built that type of relationship with them already and if so kudos to you). So you have to be creative and perhaps you real life situations to help jump start talks. For example, watching a family movie and discussing the major theme of the movie and talking about how characters in the movie responded to conflict or whatever the main antithesis was.

The bottom line is if you don’t talk to your children rest assured that someone will. Their friends will, their friends parents might, a teacher may talk to them, and church leader may speak to them, and the list goes on. In most cases the most important person to give advice and guidance to a child is his or her parent. Now there are exceptions when the parent is not capable of providing clear and safe guidance to a child and in those situations stable family members should definitely step in and provide additional support.

All too often parents want their children to view them as perfect individuals who never made a mistake in their lives. This is a major mistake in parenting. If your child thinks you’re perfect they are less likely to see you as someone who can empathize with their struggles. You should alternately share with your child the mistakes you made in life so they can see you as someone who can understand what they are going through. If you had a child when you were a teenager, talk to you child about that experience and how it shaped your life journey. If you did drugs and drank alcohol TELL THEM ABOUT IT, not to authorize them to do it but to explain to them the risks and dangers. Just saying no is not enough, it’s actually like putting a neon sign that’s says “come see” on the very thing you want to deter them from.

So I hope that this little bit of information shared has given you some insight and empowered you to start or continue to talk to your children. You will find that the more you do the better your relationship will be and the more you can teach your child how to walk through this world with strong values and a high character meter.

So go forth and get to talking!

Ms. T